Losing My Way

Discouragement

2011-08-08T10:54:00.000-07:00

In this adoption process we haven't really had all that many "rough days." We hit a minor bump in the road back in April with our financing, but otherwise peace has been the word I have used to best describe this experience. This differs greatly from our walk through infertility treatments and medical intervention. That time period was nothing but emotions, crying out to God, and doubting our every move.

Throughout the adoption process though, it has seem as though we've been very carefully guided. We've considered each step prayerfully, and our hearts have yet to experience the ache that we did when we were under going medical treatment. We felt as though God was guiding us every step of the way. In fact, when other people would offer frustration or sadness about our process I would get really irritated. I knew God had it under control- so why couldn't they?

Today though, has been a rough day. For maybe the second time in this whole process thus far I found myself crying out to God and asking "Why? Haven't I learned enough through this? Aren't you done trying to teach me? Isn't it my turn?" Slowly my heart began to ask different questions though, and regain focus. "What are you trying to show me? What do I still have to learn?" I'm not sure exactly what, but I know part of it is to simply to continue. Continue to wait on God's timing, continue to trust Him, continue to rely on Him, continue to stand firm on His promises, and to continue to seek His will. I think its no mistake that when I opened up my bible, the following popped out-

"The LORD himself goes before you and will be

with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.

Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."

Deuteronomy 31:8

So I will continue to rely on God, and know that He is still guiding us, even in the tough times. He's gone ahead of us and already knows how it all works out. I will not be discouraged, I will just wait...

16 and Pregnant Adoption Special

2011-07-21T09:18:00.001-07:00

It was recently brought to my attention (via good old Facebook) that our adoption agency was involved with some of the birthmoms who made adoption plans in the shows "16 and Pregnant," and "Teen Mom." I had never had a desire watch these shows. I thought they would just infuriate me. However, after viewing a few episodes of Teen Mom I realized it gave me really good perspective, at least the segments dealing with Catelynn and Tyler, the couple that chose adoption for their baby. It helped me to understand the other side of the equation, and what the birth parents go through. I decided to watch the "16 and Pregnant" episode that originally featured Catelynn and Tyler as they went through the entire adoption process. I cried through most of it. I felt so bad for their home-lives and the decisions they were faced with, backlash from their parents, and was also impressed by their strength.

Last week MTV featured an adoption special which included Catelynn and Tyler, two other birth moms, and an adoption counselor from our agency. The special promoted adoption appropriate language, discussed different types of adoption, and dispelled myths about open adoption. I highly recommend viewing the special if you are a)in the adoption process, b)considering adopting, or c)know someone who is. With the show airing on MTV I can only suspect the main goal is to educate women/teens in crisis about adoption as an option they may choose for their child. However, I think there is a lot that people on the other side of the equation can gain by watching it. Here is the link, and please note that even though the special discusses contraception as well, the adoption agency's stance on birth control is abstinence. Thanks!
MTV's 16 and Pregnant Adoption Special

Revisiting the "No Hold" Policy

2011-07-11T07:23:00.000-07:00

So if you have been following from my other blog you will remember my post on the importance of attachment in adoption, and our plan for once baby comes home. I wrote the following...

I have often heard that children who have been adopted can have attachment disorders and that it is really important to form that bond. I always thought this was a concern mostly for those adopting older babies or children who had come from either foster care, or an orphanage. But we're going to be getting our baby from birth, so its not as big of an issue, right? WRONG! I was shocked when the director of domestic adoption told us it could take 3-6 months to form a secure bond with the child. Yikes! So what does that mean for us? Well for one, only hubs and I should feed the baby. The director stressed the relationship between feeding and attachment. Secondly, no one else should hold our baby while we are forming this bond. Now this one really caught me off guard. But what about our friends and family? Don't they need to bond with the baby too? Nope. Bonds and relationships with other family members and friends will develop naturally when the time comes, but the immediate need is create attachment between the baby and us. She said that grandma and grandpa would be okay every now and then, but really no one else. No one else!? Wow! What an overwhelming thought. What will I tell everyone? I am so excited about this baby. I don't want to have keep my baby hidden from everyone who has been so supportive of us for the first 3-6 months of its life! Quickly I started thinking about how everyone is going to think I'm overprotective and neurotic when we bring this baby home and don't let anyone else hold him or her. Then the director said something to us. She told us that we are this child's parents, and that we have to do what's right for our child. She also said that people won't understand it, but they will learn to accept it.

Since we have started this open-conversation, I think some people are still missing the boat, so I will attempt to explain my exact thoughts on this again. I suppose what I hoped to hear from friends and family (I have heard this from some- don't get me wrong!) is that they respect our decision to delay letting others hold the baby for attachment purposes. But instead many have wanted to offer encouragement of their own. Encouragement that they knew Couple XY who adopted and that baby Z turned out just fine... and they didn't do what we plan on doing. Now I'm sure that people mean "You don't need to worry about this. I know other people who've been there and its not been an issue. " But instead I hear "You don't really know what you're talking about and this is a ridiculous idea!" Now, what I would love to hear is "You are the parent, and just like any parent has to decide what's best for their children, we will respect your decision." Get the point?

I have huge issues with applying indirect isolated experiences to make vast judgements. For example- the pregnant, smoking mom who defends herself by saying "I smoked all through the pregnancies of my other two children and they turned out fine!" Don't you see the problems with this statement? 1. She is going against commonly accepted research in the medical world, 2. She says her child is "fine," but what does fine really mean, and at what age do you know there will be no adverse effects. 3. The fact is there are children with medical issues that were caused by their mother smoking while pregnant.

So let's look at the adoptive family XY and Z that you may know again. 1) Maybe they let everyone hold the baby, but it goes against commonly accepted adoption and attachment research. 2) What is "fine" and at what age are you in the clear? 3) The fact is attachment is an issue in adoption. Check out the following link:

http://curranadoptionjourney.blogspot.com/2009/05/no-holding-for-6-weeks-sorry.html

Now I don't want you to think I'm worried about our child attaching, since I think that's where all of the misshapen encouragement is coming from. I'm not. Because we are following the advice given to us. Because there is research. The same way any mom researches topics such as formula vs breastmilk or bumpers vs no bumpers. She researches her options, weighs the risks, and makes the best possible decision she can based on evidence, research and following her God-given maternal instincts. No one would say she is "worrying" about these things, but rather, making informed decisions. It's the same thing here folks. I've done the research, talked with the experts, and have weighed the risks.

I'm also not criticizing those adoptive families (like XY and Z) that you know that didn't do this. Just like we are making decisions based on the information we have, they did the same. Maybe they didn't know what we know, or maybe they weighed the risks and just came to a different conclusion. That doesn't mean they are wrong either.

No I'm not saying we're going to mark on a calendar a 6-month period and not let anyone hold the baby for that time. Instead, we plan on starting out with us exclusively holding the baby, and seeing how it goes. Grandmas, Grandpas, Aunts, and Uncles will get to "say hello" with a brief hold at some point. But maybe not all at once and not right away. We need to focus on forming that bond that is not biologically there.

I'll conclude with one other great article I found, that will maybe do a better job of explaining all of this than I can. If you are still questioning our decision, this may help a bit

http://www.a4everfamily.org/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=57&Itemid=78

Yours Forever

2011-07-07T06:15:00.000-07:00

Yours Forever~ Hillsong United
Love this song, and came across this video today. The video was created to promote a teen missions campaign from Global Expeditions called One Million Acts of Sacrificial Love. While I may not be a teenager, nor involved in student ministry, I find the message in the video strong and compelling. Check it out!

Letting Go, Part 2

2011-06-26T17:29:00.000-07:00

So the next big topic I've wanted to tackle is kind of scary. I really wanted to write about it, but honestly, I've been putting it off. Okay, I'm just going to get it out there- 1...2...3...

FINANCES!

Okay, so I could actually do several blog posts on finances, though I am far from a financial expert. In fact- I stink at finances.

So I'm not going to advise you on your "debt snowball," or tell you how to invest your money. Instead I am going to share how this particular topic is one more example of how "losing my way" and giving God control has really blessed us. And there are MANY examples I could give where our finances did not add up on paper. Then throw quitting my job, starting infertility treatments, and finally an infant adoption in the mix and honestly- I can't comprehend how it has all worked out.

But considering those would all be pretty personal stories I think I will not even go much further there. Instead I will tell you specifically how surrendering the checkbook to my husband (GASP!) has been one of the biggest blessings to my sanity EVER.

Now let me preface this by saying that I am not singling anyone out, though I've heard many many other wives talk about how they could never trust their husband with the checkbooks. "Bills wouldn't get paid. He doesn't even know how to balance a checkbook." I've heard it so many times- in fact, if I'm honest, I have said all of those things myself! But I'll get to that in a minute. So don't stop reading yet. I am speaking from personal experience.

Or maybe you are a woman/wife/mom who enjoys keeping the checkbook and finances. Its not a stress for you. You're good at it and you are happy to do it. I'm not really speaking to you here. My point is not that women can't do the checkbook, but more a commentary on the observation I've made that many women wish they could trust their husbands to keep track out their finances, but "can't."

When I handled the check book I kept every single receipt, wrote down every single transaction, "balanced" (or attempted to balance) the check book every month, and regularly compared my own register with the bank's website. I was meticulous. And you know what? For some reason it made no difference. I just stunk! We overdrew at the worst possible times, and I NEVER saw it coming. I wrote everything down, every single stinking transaction. And to no avail... it just never added up?!?

After a year or so DH began to offer to take over the checkbook. (Haha, yeah right!) He was the opposite of me. He NEVER (seriously never had) wrote anything down. He only kept receipts because I forced him to surrender them to me every day. He had no idea.

Enter the most stressful job of my life. Seriously- my hair was falling out! It was awful. About a month in I already wanted to quit. A quick visit through our list of monthly bills told me very quickly there was no way I could quit. It just wasn't an option. So I had to eliminate other stressors. I just couldn't keep going the way I was. So again, DH offers to take over the checkbook. At this point I had choice but to let him. I kept messing it up anyway- even despite my very best efforts.

At first I was a little neurotic. I was constantly asking him, "Did you pay this bill?" "How much money do we have?" But I eventually took the attitude of "I just can't wait to see how God is going to use you to bless our family by you handling the checkbook." Wink, wink ;) And do you know what, He has! Hubby downloaded a checkbook app. for his smart phone. So though he didn't keep a check book, he could track transactions. He has never once balanced the checkbook. But you know what- we haven't overdrawn once since! In almost 2 years he has managed to avoid once making the mistake that I made all too often the first 2 years of our marriage.

And I did eventually quit that job. And that in itself is an entirely different lesson in trusting God with your finances. But when its all said and done, I can clearly see how that one little act of surrender has blessed our family in so many ways. The checkbook is no longer a monster that I am constantly battling to win. My way was no good. I had to let it go. God has blessed our family by growing my husband in the area of finances and by relieving me of the stress.

So maybe you are reading this and thinking, "Yeah, right. But my husband would never do it right. Our bills wouldn't get paid." etc. And you know, maybe you're right. I don't claim to have any magic answer. But I do know that by surrendering one major area of stress in my life and at the same time asking God to bless us through that, He has indeed! You don't have to give up the checkbook, and I'm not going to even tell you that you should. But if you could relate to anything I shared just try this one simple thing. Start praying for God to grow your husband into a leader in this area. Give God the control. Let Him work out the details.

Like I said in my first post, God's got it all figured out. I just have to continue to let go of my control to jump in line with his plan for us!

Letting Go, Part 1

2011-06-08T09:05:00.000-07:00

Friends and Family- From hear on out I will be using the pen name Hope and will be referring to my wonderful hubby as DH. I am not trying to hide our identities from you! Just trying to protect our future family of 3+ and our child(ren)'s birthmom(s) as we prepare to possibly join the open adoption community. Please keep our real names out of comments. Thanks for your understanding!

I have decided that I will begin my new blogging adventure with a series on letting go. Letting go of what you may ask? All sorts of things! Being the control freak I am I have found that in nearly every area of my life there is an area that I need to let go in order to let God "do His thing." The first area I will touch on today is the obvious one- growing a family.

How many of us have it all planned out? We know exactly when we want to have children, how many we want, how far apart we want them, etc. only to find our plans aren't going to work out all that great? Unfortunately too many people I have met. Or maybe now, as I look back on things, its not such an unfortunate thing. But I'll come back to that in a minute.

I have said many times that before DH and I started trying to conceive I knew we would have trouble. I also knew before we were ever married that I wanted to adopt. But that still didn't' mean I didn't have the "perfect" plan figured out.

The list was as follows:
1. Have the first child at 27
2. 3-4 children
3. No more than three of the same sex so if I had three boys, then adopt a girl
4. No more than 2 years apart each
5. I HAD to know the sex of the baby ASAP, I could NEVER wait

Lets see how that list worked out-
1. Um, yeah, I'm 28 now so...
2. Maybe, we'll see. In the end I will be happy with however many children God blesses us with.
3. I still feel this way, but in the end with the adoption route we are currently pursuing gender isn't even something you get to choose. Who knows what the future holds though.
4. I would like to begin pursuing another adoption within a year of this one being completed, but who knows if we'll be ready at that point. So who knows- maybe?
5. Haha, yeah right. I don't even know a due date so how am I supposed to know the gender?

If you have followed me over here from my other blog, you know that I am not complaining about my failed plan. Or at least I hope you do. In fact, its just that I have found a better plan.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future". Jeremiah 29:11

For nearly three years of my life I struggled as I desperately tried to make my own plans come to life. I did things I had previously said I would never do. I found myself losing a grasp on who I was, and what my worth was in this world. I cried out to God daily, asking Him to show me what to do. And then suddenly in but a brief minute an upsetting, frustrating, and unfair situation with my (former) dr.'s office and my insurance company provided me and DH with instant clarity. We had gone back and forth for years on the adoption topic and had never come to a complete agreement about how, when, etc. What should have been the most frustrating event of our journey through infertility provided more clarity than we could have hoped for. The actions we took following that first glimpse of what we were called to do only proved to us time and time again that we were finally on the right path.

Adoption is hard. It is not easy. I would never lie to anyone about that. It causes you to examine every thought you've ever had about what your future and your future child will be like. It causes you to examine your past. It makes you consider things you may have never had to consider otherwise. And on top of it, you're telling it all to a complete stranger. BUT...

That being said. Knowing that we are exactly where God wants us-
IT HAS BEEN THE EASIST AND MOST FREEING PART OF THIS WHOLE ENTIRE JOURNEY TO START OUR FAMILY.
Things that would have driven me mad before have been lifted right out of my hands and my control, and right into God's.
Do I worry about when? No.
Do I worry about "what if's?" No.
Do I worry about any part of this process at all? No.
Does that mean I'm not anxious to bring our baby home?That's a big NO also!

But I am certain God is completely 100% in control in this situation and that He is going to bless us in ways we never imagined through this process. Heck, he already has. So in this area I am happy to announce I AM NO LONGER A CONTROL FREAK! God's already proved to me His way is way better than mine. Doesn't mean I still don't have a whole lot of other areas to work on. But I'll have to save those for another post.